Posts by Coffee House Girl

106

WT SHUNNING POLICY: What has it done, or could it do to you?

by flipper in

jw
friends

hi y'all, this is mrs. flipper.

please share your experiences with this, or possible consequences of being outed.. this recent controversy and resulting arguments all stem from people being outed - possibly losing friends and family because most jw's will blindly follow the watchtower's rules to shun them.. among people i know and experiences read here, the grief and loss caused by this is terrible, and maybe now is a good time to put up some experiences here, and put the focus on the worst villians of all - wt policymakers..

Coffee House Girl

I am still not DF'd, but I still get the shun from my lifelong friends, sister, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins (95% of my family is in the borg). I lost my father who did support and speak to me, & I have my brother who left. My mother and I still have a strained relationship, I know she gets hounded by the elders to cut off association with me...& when I am home for a visit and anyone from the hall calls she tells me to shush so that the person on the line doesn't detect that I am there.

It is hard sometimes to not be able to have an open and honest conversation with my mom (we are restricted to comments about the weather and health...she doesn't want to hear about college stuff or Coffee Shop Guy)

As for the shunning, I laugh when it happens when I go to the grocery store or am walking down the street, & I pity those who did the same thing I did when I was a dub....

but it still hurts a bit, & as for my family and those I was really close to- I do not miss them like I thought I would- but sometimes I wish I could share my life with them...I am left to tell family stories to Coffee House Guy even tho he has never met them and probably never will.

It is the worst when I go see his family, then I feel the weight of not belonging to a family & the fact that they are nothing like mine only makes my heart ache for them.

But as for my day to day life...I am happy and live each day with purpose and do not give much thought to any of the dubs I used to know.

CHG

18

how do you cope with the stress of fading?

by brainmelt in

jw
friends

i'm really struggling with it.

i've been learning the ttatt for the past 6 months now and i've been inadvertantly fading - either one of us or the children have had coughs/colds/flu/chicken pox/stress over the past 3 months which has meant we've missed a lot of meetings and field service with good reason.

we've only been out in service twice this year, so far no ones mentioned it to us but i'm waiting for our group overseer to bring it up anytime soon.

Coffee House Girl

I remember those days of thinking I was having a nervous breakdown (so afraid to tell my JW relatives that I wanted to leave), I didn't know about this site when I decided to "fade" (I didn't even know it had been defined as a term, thats how naive I was)...

Some mistakes I made....I should have just moved away, I decided to come out and tell my JW mom and sister (and the rest of my JW relatives) when the elders caught on to my tactical skipping of meetings and service, and some people were catching me at my double life (hanging out with non-JW). That confession caused a quick fade and people to shun me even though I am not DFd or DA.

I know its hard to keep up a pretense that you believe when you know something is wrong, but know that you are not alone. Do not forget to take care of yourself (go for a walk with the kids if you get stressed thinking about things, or something else that relaxes you). I know that we are all busy, but you must take care of your mental health- this is a very stressful time for you, but know that there is eventually a time when it will get better.

It will be four years since I left soon, and I am a completely different person now- but at the time when I was leaving I thought it would never get better and that I was going crazy.

Try everything you can to not meet with the elders, if they do...

Do not admit to anything, just tell them that you are stressed, depressed, and appreciate their concern (do not tell them that you are doubting, they will try to DF you for apostasy)

I got roped into a shepherding call before I left, and I just agreed with everything they said, and told them that I was having a very hard time with depression and that Satan's world is taking a great toll on everyone (they seemed to like that).

I wish you the best of luck in your fade!

CHG

52

My latest university experience...

by Billy the Ex-Bethelite in

jw
friends

this isn't a jw experience, but for those of you that have been following my life, i thought i'd have a drink and share this strange event in my post-jw life.. for you wonderful newbies, you can catch up on highlights of my story in the few threads i've started here.

i'm finishing the junior year of my engineering degree and the classes are hard as hell.

i used to be among the smartest students in the room until i hit the 300 level university courses.

Coffee House Girl

I enjoyed reading your experience, as a Junior (in my 30's too) I can relate to your feelings in regards to grades (people keep telling me that they don't really matter but I want to get into grad school so I still panic), worries about GPA's, and trying to nurture relationships with cohorts and professors!

Best of luck on finals & beyond!

(my best university experience so far this year is getting accepted to study abroad this summer, I am going to study art history at the University of Oslo in Norway....whoda thought three years ago trapped in JW hell that I would have a chance like this?- I'm sure you've thought the same thing & are so happy you had the balls to try and live your dreams by enrolling in school- good for you!)

CHG

27

When you were a jw....Christmas day...

by carla in

jw
friends

when you were a jw did you get together with family or other jw's on christmas day?

most people have off so it would be convenient.

in my mind, if you got together with family or jw's shared a meal or drinks, perhaps watched a movie or played games you did celebrate the day.

Coffee House Girl

Luckily my mom didn't like going out in service on xmas day (I think we only did it once), so on christmas we went to the movies and ate usually at a chinese buffet....I still do that as an ex JW I really enjoy it! I'm a sucker for traditions I guess.....

175

Were you Stalked or Chased After Once you Exited the JW's by Elders ?

by flipper in

jw
friends

i tried to fade off the map by moving 30 miles initially in 2004 after i exited in late 2003 .

the first several years they didn't bother me.

i ran into a elder from my former congregation in late 2005 in an antique store - he tried telling me i was wrong for stopping attending meetings.

Coffee House Girl

Ha! Funny running into this thread after two years . Well since my first post on this thread, never got DF'd, moved away...and then out of the blue I got a text from a JW (he has no position in the congregation I attended).

He said that he had my phone number for a couple of years and decided to see how I was doing, it was a light hearted conversation (with him attempting some weird flirtations to which I told him I am in a relationship)...then I finally got down to the point "why are you texting me if I am shunned by everyone?"

He replied that he had only been to a couple of meetings in the past few years, he friended me on fb (I gave him restricted access). Then he sent me a message asking me why I left the organization. I replied with my tale of my stalking and harassment by elders (never gave away names) & told him how happy I was with my life choices, & that the door was open if he needed help. Then his reply "Jehovah gave us all free choice, sorry things were so rough for you, PLEASE be careful"...then he unfriended me on fb.

JWs are so weird....(don't know if this little interchange with my past will bite me in the ass, I will be sure to let you all know if it does)

CHG

21

Update & Moving on with life

by Coffee House Girl in

jw
friends

hello all, just wanted to update you all on my further steps in the exiting process (a process that may never end in some respects).

to set up a context for my update: my story in a nutshel-.

did a quick fade in the fall of 2009 to start going to university and escape a very unhappy living situation.

Coffee House Girl

Hello all, just wanted to update you all on my further steps in the exiting process (a process that may never end in some respects)

To set up a context for my update: my story in a nutshel-

Did a quick fade in the fall of 2009 to start going to university and escape a very unhappy living situation. My exhusband disappeared back in 2006, I was in my mid 20's and couldn't remarry because there was no proof of adultery or death. The CO at the time told me I had to remain loyal to the organization by remaining spiritually singe until the new order. I was marked when I sought a legal divorce in order to escape my financial burdens (I was left with a house and two cars with no secular skills to obtain employment substancial enough to pay for these on my own). I tried to committ suicide due to isolation and lonliness, but fortunately was unsuccessful.

I wanted to exit and still maintain a bit of a relationship with my JW mom. I prepared myself for losing everyone else, but my mom I wanted to keep. Well after I quit meetings I endured spying and slander from the local elders, and emotional blackmail for me and my mother (many warnings to her to cut off association with me). I had to lie and assure her that I have done nothing to get me df'd, she told me that if it came out that I did that she would have to shun me. Thus I have gone through extensive hiding in order to keep the status quo.

The week my dog died I found my ex on facebook (under an alias name) and was able to link to court documents to prove that indeed he got remarried over 4 years ago. I had my proof at last. I presented it to my mother, she was estatic exclaiming "I am going to give this to the elders!". I told her that I doubted that they would care about this information, I only wanted to show it to you- I am free now in your eyes, and I am going to date whomever I choose. That was met with silence.

Now a month later, I have told her about Coffee Shop Guy (we just started dating, wink, wink). She does not respond to anything about my bf, but she does continue to talk with me and let me do things for her around the house like a good daughter should.

I do feel lighter now not having to hide Coffee Shop Guy, and I will introduce her to him soon I hope.

I am now a junior in college and looking forward to getting my undergrad and entering grad school down the road! Life is finally happening for me, as that a-hole CO said to me after telling me that I must remain loyal..."CHG, doing nothing gets nothing". Words to live by....you must do something for your happiness.

Thats all for now!

CHG

5

Missing an old JW friend! :|

by TimothyT in

hi everyone.. about 5 months ago i posted about how a sister and i were talking since i was disfellowshipped.

we are still good friends and we have such a laugh together.

however for the first time since i told her that i dont want to speak about anything to do with the organisation and particularly with regards to me returning to it, today the conversation came up between her and my dad when she came round for a cup of tea.

Coffee House Girl

Yes, I reason with myself that the friend that shuns you only had a "conditional" relationship with you and thus was not a true friend. But sometimes, I too reflect on my JW friend and still miss him- I accept my sad feelings as human and try to think of the funny stories and good times we had. I cannot change how he behaves (he does not answer any texts from me anymore), but I can be in control how I act. I still smile and say HI to other dubs even if they turn their heads the other way, I can feel good that I am happy & in a good place- try to pass on my positive energy.

CHG

46

Lost my best friend (man's best friend)

by Coffee House Girl in

jw
friends

just wanted to write a tribute to my best friend whom i lost last week, it was one of the most painful experiences i have ever been through.

i have no children, my puppy was my child.

i got him from a golden retriever rescue organization when he was 2. he was recovering from a car accident, still a bit skiddish, but he chose me to take him home (the foster mom said that he never responded to anyone like he did me).. he was always happy to see me, greet me with a toy in his mouth, he never judged me, never cared whether i was "bad association", he was always there when i needed to smile and remembe that i was not alone in the world.

Coffee House Girl

Aww, thanks again so much for your replies and doggie stories, they do choke me up but I was honored to read of all of your experiences.

CHG

41

Is Fading Emotionally Taxing?

by Aware! in

jw
friends

i don't think i could handle a fade.

sooner or later the truth would be found out.

i have yet to come out, but when i do, i'll probably da myself without telling anyone why.

Coffee House Girl

At one point during my fading process I thought I was losing my mind or having a nervous breakdown, the fade turned into a "quick fade" when some people caught me hanging out with my worldly friend. The freak-out/pressure from the dubs became unbearable and I didn't know what else to do other than tell my family I was not comming back to meetings and avoid the elders like the plague.

If I had come to this forum before my exit...I would have done things a lot differently! It is good to for you to read what others have done and learn from our mistakes and successes. I would have moved to a different hall, got my record card transferred, gave a fake address, and split!

Best of luck!

CHG

25

"In other news, Brother _______________ is no longer a...

by OneDayillBeFree in

regular pioneer!.

officially announced!

i'm very happy!

Coffee House Girl

Yay, you were a cool cucumber! Now that you know how the game is played, you can win it and leave "your way".

Great Job!

CHG